What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
![]()
You Might Also Like
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
What the hell happened in there??
![]()
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
![]()
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.