Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Breaking news:

absolutely not

Mmmm canned fish.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?