Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”