What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You Might Also Like
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis