Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare