What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.