What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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i actually laughed 😩
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”