Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!