What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
