What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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Taking phone security to the next level.
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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