What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
tourist season
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…