Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee