“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I have a type: disappointing
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.