Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

😂😂

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.