“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hello Twits.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.