Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

i think both sides are to blame here

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too