What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Wow 🤣
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.