Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

This kid will have a bright future.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

Tell the colonel to bring it

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Not helping

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

The smoothest fall of all time

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!