What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Lmao
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.