what could possibly go wrong?
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.