what could possibly go wrong?
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My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
happy valentine’s day to me
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
This is my bus stop.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.