I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now