what day is it?
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
#winning
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Peter Parker Peter Driver
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me