what day is it?
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Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
2022 be like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
fair
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.