what day is it?
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
twitter is a journey
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.