Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

The news in a nutshell.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”