“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend