Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.