What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that



[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.


In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family


Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”



Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named “Marco” in the supermarket just now.


satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo


As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.


*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.