WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”
God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”
Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named “Marco” in the supermarket just now.
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.