Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
m’lady
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?