Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.