Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

ㅤㅤ

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.