What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack