Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

LA today:

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

🤣🤣

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

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If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.