Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Become ungovernable.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.