What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Why is everyone getting married at me
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit