What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
You Might Also Like
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Frankenstein?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My Plans 2020
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Knock Knock
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.