What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
honestly, i need both:
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with