What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
road rage
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Received some very disappointing news today
