What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
This headline is a thing of beauty
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
