Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me flirting

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots