“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
IRS: you owe us taxes
Me: how much do I owe?
IRS: you get to figure that out
Me: can I just pay what I want?
IRS: no we know exactly how much you owe but you have to guess the number too
Me: what if I guess wrong?
IRS: jail
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*