Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

We’re all getting idioter.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.