5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough