Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Saw online –

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.