Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.