Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

it must be school picture day

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?