What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”