Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

…

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.