Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.