Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward