Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danger is very dangerous

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me