What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Merry Christmas
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank