What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
