What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I hope Alan is OK
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.