Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

You better wish for more oil

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.