Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Oh boy, $150,000!

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today