What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine