Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

🏙👨🏼

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that