@TEXASVETERAN

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

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@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@roxiqt

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

@TheCamJude

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

@merrittk

cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…

@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???

@Pirate_nurse

Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner

@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.