Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.