What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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IT’S-A ME,
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Suuuuure
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐