What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you