Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

A bold strategy

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero