What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
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[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
pain
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Good news
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Fun Things
