Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER