Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*