What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”