What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.