What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
You Might Also Like
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.