What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.