What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Death certificates are our last participation award.