What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years