What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“You’d better run, egg!”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”