what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
figuring out my emotional availability:
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now