What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You Might Also Like
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Need WebMD
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Autocorrect is my menesis
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.