What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.