Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate