What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024